Everyone gets angry sometimes -- children and grownups -- but we can find controls and healthy outlets for our angry feelings. That message is a gift that will be important for your children throughout their lives in all their future relationships -- in family life, in friendships, and in the workplace.

It's hard for children to learn not to hit or hurt when they're angry or frustrated. It's only little by little that they develop controls, and they do that best through the caring help of loving parents.

One of the best ways parents help children learn to handle angry feelings is by building a warm and trusting relationship with their children. When there's a close bond, children are more likely to try to please their parents. It's within a loving family that we all learn to control our behavior.

• Spend quiet time together, reading a book or sharing stories.
• Make up a simple song about how your child might be feeling.
• Ask your child about his or her day -- maybe ask, "What was the best thing that happened to you today?"

When children know their parents care deeply about them and care about whatever they're feeling, they are more likely to talk about feelings rather than act them out in hurting ways.

• When you've had a frustrating day, you could say, “I am really angry today because...”
• When your child seems to be angry, you could say, "I know you're mad about that, but you can't hurt!" Don't you feel better when someone says, "I understand why you're mad" or "You have a right to be angry"?
• When your child is getting angry with a friend, you could say, "Tell him (or her) that you're angry! It helps when you use words."
• At a quiet time, talk about things children can do when they're angry so they won't hurt anyone or break things.

It takes time for children to learn to stop from doing something that will hurt others. It's scary for them to be out of control, and they need their parents to help them develop controls.

• Toddlers (or preschoolers who are very upset) often need to have adults firmly and caringly hold them or take them away from the situation.
• Think about saying "I'm proud of you." when your child is about to hit, but holds back and finds control.
• Help your child practice stopping by playing games like "Red Light, Green Light" or "Stop and Go."
• Children also learn self-control when they do activities that need careful concentration, like stringing beads, moving toy cars along a "road" made from a piece of tape, or using snap-together toys.

When children have some controls, they're more able to channel their energies when they're angry. Parents can encourage healthy outlets by offering things like:

• crayons and paper for painting a mad picture;
• play clay for kneading or pounding;
• pounding toys;
• musical instruments like drums or xylophones;
• construction paper to tear for collages;
• puppets for making up plays.